Pain.
Have you ever had your heart broken?
And shattered?
And stomped?
Have you ever found the tiny little pieces
And tried to put them back together?
While this giant gaping hole sits in your chest,
Burning.
Its almost as if he ripped out your lungs too
Because you find yourself unable to breathe
Did you know that it is nearly impossible to put those pieces together on your own?
That the pain may fade,
But you have to find the person with the right super glue to get the pieces to stick together
You may meet a lot of people who claim they have the right stuff
But they lie.
And walk away with pieces of your heart on the bottom of their shoes
And as they walk through life, they stomp on your heart.
Do not lose hope.
When the right one is found
He will have the super glue.....
AND he will fill your broken shattered and badly beaten heart
With that super glue and some pieces from his own heart.
And you will carry him with you where ever you go.
When you can feel him next to you when he's miles away......
When you feel so full of love you may burst.....
That's when you know,
He's the one to keep.
And there is no more pain to be had.
That right there is love.
Peace and Love
Crystal Robinson
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®
Monday, January 31, 2011
Its a New Day
As it is a new day, I am attempting to see it in a new light. My feelings have not changed. I still am sad. Although, I am trying my hardest to hold on to things that I know bring joy to me and maybe that will make me feel better. So, I've decided to share with you the day my son was born.
After unbearable amounts of pain and no pain meds, out came a little 5 pound 13 ounce baby boy. They plopped my bundle of joy on my chest and asked me his name. My reply? "Camerin" his name was to be "Camerin Lee Santiago" Lee was after my grandfather. He was the most beautiful child I had ever in my life laid eyes upon. Perfect in every conceivable way. I knew when I saw him exactly what my mother was talking about all these years. The unconditional, undying love that you have for your child. I was willing to jump off a bridge if that's what he needed to survive. Later on that night his father changed his name to "Joel Lee Robinson" and my baby boy right then really was perfect. That really was the first day of the rest of my life. He has brought me joy on a level that I never thought possible. He loves me always even when I'm mad at him. Even when I'm yelling at him. And even when I'm at my lowest point. I am so happy to have brought him into the world. Being a parent can try your patience. And my son is mostly an angel but sometimes he can get to me. If I focus on the positive, though, everything is wonderful.
After talking out some things, I think my fiancé and I have made up. Its so hard though. I don't think that I should be held accountable for when things go bad because sometimes I have no idea what is going on in my head. No idea at all. Well, that's all for now.
Peace and Love
Crystal Robinson
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®
After unbearable amounts of pain and no pain meds, out came a little 5 pound 13 ounce baby boy. They plopped my bundle of joy on my chest and asked me his name. My reply? "Camerin" his name was to be "Camerin Lee Santiago" Lee was after my grandfather. He was the most beautiful child I had ever in my life laid eyes upon. Perfect in every conceivable way. I knew when I saw him exactly what my mother was talking about all these years. The unconditional, undying love that you have for your child. I was willing to jump off a bridge if that's what he needed to survive. Later on that night his father changed his name to "Joel Lee Robinson" and my baby boy right then really was perfect. That really was the first day of the rest of my life. He has brought me joy on a level that I never thought possible. He loves me always even when I'm mad at him. Even when I'm yelling at him. And even when I'm at my lowest point. I am so happy to have brought him into the world. Being a parent can try your patience. And my son is mostly an angel but sometimes he can get to me. If I focus on the positive, though, everything is wonderful.
After talking out some things, I think my fiancé and I have made up. Its so hard though. I don't think that I should be held accountable for when things go bad because sometimes I have no idea what is going on in my head. No idea at all. Well, that's all for now.
Peace and Love
Crystal Robinson
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®
Sunday, January 30, 2011
What A Day
I am laying in bed right now. By myself. Guess that's my fault. Like I said before, I broke up with him. He pushed every button I had, though. He pushed me to it. Saying that helps me deal. I can never admit that I am awful. I have a serious character flaw, though. When I go through a manic episode, I never realize I am the wrong one until I am sitting alone in my bed and wishing he could comfort me.
In retrospect today could have been great. My children miss my parents. So do I. I love going over there for dinner. I love spending time with the people who raised me. He is right in what he says to me. I did ruin it. I have ruined us. I can't feel though. Does anyone understand that I cannot feel anything anymore? Its numb. I feel like only when he has his arms around me do I regain the feelings. But if we go days arguing, it is impossible for me to remember that feeling. Its fleeting. And I can't hold on to it unless he's holding on to me.
He wants to think. I stress him out. I kick him out. I take out my anger on him. I kick and scream and yell and throw things at him when I am angry. I can't help it. Should I take out the anger on myself again? Tiny scars are all that's left from when I used to do that. Tiny scars to remind me of the pain I felt when I had no one to yell at. I have everything anyone could ever wish for. And I am throwing it away because I can't cope with everyday life. The pregnancy hormones do not help in the least. I am off my meds. I am off my rocker. Haha. Sad but true.
I am getting tired. And I think that I am going to spend another night alone in this bed because I am a fool. If he comes back, I have to work on me. Because what I am doing isn't getting me anywhere but an all inclusive stay at the heartbreak hotel.
Peace and love
Goodnight
Until tomorrow......
Crystal Robinson
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®
In retrospect today could have been great. My children miss my parents. So do I. I love going over there for dinner. I love spending time with the people who raised me. He is right in what he says to me. I did ruin it. I have ruined us. I can't feel though. Does anyone understand that I cannot feel anything anymore? Its numb. I feel like only when he has his arms around me do I regain the feelings. But if we go days arguing, it is impossible for me to remember that feeling. Its fleeting. And I can't hold on to it unless he's holding on to me.
He wants to think. I stress him out. I kick him out. I take out my anger on him. I kick and scream and yell and throw things at him when I am angry. I can't help it. Should I take out the anger on myself again? Tiny scars are all that's left from when I used to do that. Tiny scars to remind me of the pain I felt when I had no one to yell at. I have everything anyone could ever wish for. And I am throwing it away because I can't cope with everyday life. The pregnancy hormones do not help in the least. I am off my meds. I am off my rocker. Haha. Sad but true.
I am getting tired. And I think that I am going to spend another night alone in this bed because I am a fool. If he comes back, I have to work on me. Because what I am doing isn't getting me anywhere but an all inclusive stay at the heartbreak hotel.
Peace and love
Goodnight
Until tomorrow......
Crystal Robinson
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®
The Entire Day is Ruined
It seems like everyone in my life is just waiting for me to screw things up again. And sometimes, I think to myself......"Why disappoint them?" I know how much of a cliche this is but everything I touch turns to shit. Sometimes I sit and stare at my children who are so smart and wonderful, so happy and healthy, and I wonder am I ruining their lives too? Am I making their lives as much of a hell as my life currently feels? Why can't I just be happy? I do not know how to be content. And when I'm depressed. When. I feel like this......its almost as if I never was happy before in my life. Like I can't remember ever being happy. And its pain. It hurts so much. Its unbelievable, insurmountable sorrow. The kind that leaves you without hope, cradling yourself in the corner in the dark as you rock back and forth.
Today, I was supposed to go to dinner at my parents house. My father has cancer. The kind of cancer you don't come back from. The doctors are giving him about a year to live. We really should spend more time with him as his time in this world may be limited. Yet, I found myself in this perpetual argument with my fiancé. I feel like everything that I do is wrong. He has not one good thing to say to me today. So, I broke up with him. We have been together for a year and 2 months and have broken up about 55 times. Seriously. I don't know if there is any coming back from this one though. (Although, I have felt this way before, so don't quote me on this.) He sometimes makes me feel inadequate. Like, nothing that comes out my mouth is the right thing to say. Like every single decision, I feel like he scrutinizes my every thought, word and move and when I hold it in, he says I am depressed.
You know how I know I'm crazy? Because the majority of the time, I feel like the whole world is against me. I feel like everyone else is crazy and I am sane. Being a very intelligent individual, I know that statistically and logically it is very improbable that my feelings are true. Therefore and in conclusion I'm crazy as a loon. The people who surround me acknowledge the crazy. Some deal with it quite well, others not so much. My parents just know its best to stay in the background while I rant and rave and bitch. My fiancé wants to be in my face. He wants to ask questions and know answers and be in my head. AND I HATE THAT SHIT. It could quite possibly be the most annoying thing that he does. Why argue with a self and medically proclaimed crazy person? Do you actually think you are going to get through to me when MDs and PhDs couldn't? When every medication out there couldn't? That's insane. If he believes that then he's just about as crazy as I am.
Well, the point of this all is, I didn't go to my parents house for dinner. I missed my opportunity this week to see my dad. And I feel like I don't have a friend in the world who understands me. Its a lonely feeling, you know? I feel like no matter what, no one will ever truly get me. I wish I was normal sometimes. But, I have no idea how to start being normal, so I don't think that will ever happen.
Peace and Love
Crystal Robinson
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®
Number One
Maybe you should get to know a little about me and why I am blogging my personal thoughts to the world before you start reading. My name is Crystal Robinson. I have two children and I'm pregnant with my third. I am engaged to a wonderful man and we are getting married in less than two months. So, basically, I should be happy as a lark. (Whatever that means) In reality my mind is a sick, twisted organ. My thoughts are often macabre. I am often depressed and anxious despite my best efforts at happiness. (And despite my fiancés best efforts to make me happy)
More recently I have been using facebook to vent out my problems, but apparently that is inappropriate on a number of levels. I have 369 friends on facebook. And that's about how many people that reside in the small town I'm from. So, inevitably, the whole town knows my deep personal feelings towards friends and loved ones. That is why I am starting this blog. Basically, it is open to the public and whoever wants to read it, but I am confident that only my closest friends and family will take the time out to read it. And I could possibly get some honest opinions towards my innermost thoughts and fears. Also, I have always found writing to be extremely soothing.
So, if you are reading this, please feel free to leave comments. I would love your honest opinion. And I give many thanks to you for taking time out your day to share my day with me. I will try to post at least once a day, if not more. I am sure that you will find my thoughts disturbing and funny on a level you never thought you could find funny at. I am opening up my mind to you. Enter at your own will.
Peace and love.
Crystal
Crystal Robinson
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®
More recently I have been using facebook to vent out my problems, but apparently that is inappropriate on a number of levels. I have 369 friends on facebook. And that's about how many people that reside in the small town I'm from. So, inevitably, the whole town knows my deep personal feelings towards friends and loved ones. That is why I am starting this blog. Basically, it is open to the public and whoever wants to read it, but I am confident that only my closest friends and family will take the time out to read it. And I could possibly get some honest opinions towards my innermost thoughts and fears. Also, I have always found writing to be extremely soothing.
So, if you are reading this, please feel free to leave comments. I would love your honest opinion. And I give many thanks to you for taking time out your day to share my day with me. I will try to post at least once a day, if not more. I am sure that you will find my thoughts disturbing and funny on a level you never thought you could find funny at. I am opening up my mind to you. Enter at your own will.
Peace and love.
Crystal
Crystal Robinson
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®
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