The Entire Day is Ruined

It seems like everyone in my life is just waiting for me to screw things up again. And sometimes, I think to myself......"Why disappoint them?" I know how much of a cliche this is but everything I touch turns to shit. Sometimes I sit and stare at my children who are so smart and wonderful, so happy and healthy, and I wonder am I ruining their lives too? Am I making their lives as much of a hell as my life currently feels? Why can't I just be happy? I do not know how to be content. And when I'm depressed. When. I feel like this......its almost as if I never was happy before in my life. Like I can't remember ever being happy. And its pain. It hurts so much. Its unbelievable, insurmountable sorrow. The kind that leaves you without hope, cradling yourself in the corner in the dark as you rock back and forth.

Today, I was supposed to go to dinner at my parents house. My father has cancer. The kind of cancer you don't come back from. The doctors are giving him about a year to live. We really should spend more time with him as his time in this world may be limited. Yet, I found myself in this perpetual argument with my fiancé. I feel like everything that I do is wrong. He has not one good thing to say to me today. So, I broke up with him. We have been together for a year and 2 months and have broken up about 55 times. Seriously. I don't know if there is any coming back from this one though. (Although, I have felt this way before, so don't quote me on this.) He sometimes makes me feel inadequate. Like, nothing that comes out my mouth is the right thing to say. Like every single decision, I feel like he scrutinizes my every thought, word and move and when I hold it in, he says I am depressed.

You know how I know I'm crazy? Because the majority of the time, I feel like the whole world is against me. I feel like everyone else is crazy and I am sane. Being a very intelligent individual, I know that statistically and logically it is very improbable that my feelings are true. Therefore and in conclusion I'm crazy as a loon. The people who surround me acknowledge the crazy. Some deal with it quite well, others not so much. My parents just know its best to stay in the background while I rant and rave and bitch. My fiancé wants to be in my face. He wants to ask questions and know answers and be in my head. AND I HATE THAT SHIT. It could quite possibly be the most annoying thing that he does. Why argue with a self and medically proclaimed crazy person? Do you actually think you are going to get through to me when MDs and PhDs couldn't? When every medication out there couldn't? That's insane. If he believes that then he's just about as crazy as I am.

Well, the point of this all is, I didn't go to my parents house for dinner. I missed my opportunity this week to see my dad. And I feel like I don't have a friend in the world who understands me. Its a lonely feeling, you know? I feel like no matter what, no one will ever truly get me. I wish I was normal sometimes. But, I have no idea how to start being normal, so I don't think that will ever happen.

Peace and Love

Crystal Robinson

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