My Life Lesson To You

It sometimes takes listening to someone else's problems to put your life into perspective. You cannot be perfect. Sometimes you can't even be excellent. Sometimes you can't even be normal. No one is normal.

I have no idea why people pretend that their lives are perfect when inside they are completely losing it. Why do I have to act like I don't hurt to make you feel better? Why do I have to act like we are doing wonderful together when really we don't know if we will make it thru the day? When you keep your emotions bottled in, severe outbursts often happen. Isn't that why children get guns and shoot up schools? Or disgruntled postal workers shoot up government buildings? Because they were pretending their lives were normal and everything was going right but inside they were dying! Dying to tell someone what was wrong. Dying to vent to the world. Because they wanted attention. The erratic behavior that you see and hear from me on a daily basis is me completely. I don't hide my moods. I don't pretend that I am something that I am not. If I wanna scream at the top of my lungs at you because I honestly think that you are an asshole bastard bitch, then I do that. And I wouldn't think twice about doing it.

It disturbs me that I meet someone and they portray themselves as something they are not. That's deception. That's bribery. It should be against the law. If I was to do something crazy, out of this world, insane.....people would be on the news saying, "we knew it was bound to happen one day." NOT "I would have mever expected that from her." I am no sweet and innocent. I am not a virgin, hell I am a slut. I am a sinner. I do not pretend to be a saint. Why would I? The devil in sheeps clothing. That's what you will end up with. And that's not good for me.

So to recap:

I am insane. I act insane. Its my personality. I share my personality with others from day one.
I do not like liars. Lie and betray and get permanently erased from my mind.
If you hold shit in, it'll come out as explosive diarrhea, so its best to shit it out while its still solid.
No one is perfect. So don't try it. It will result in failure.
No one is normal. So don't try it. It will result in failure.

Peace and Love

Crystal Robinson

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®

Today

When I am up, I am high. On cloud nine. When I am low, I am in hell. My own personal hell. The head doctors tell me that its part of a condition that I suffer from. I tend to believe them as a lot of things I do don't make sense to me after I do them. As smart as I am, I cannot stop the urge to rage out and act out when I'm depressed. Most depressed people just lay around and cry. Not me. Well, I lay around and cry afterwards.

My dads head isn't right either. I wonder if my kids are gonna be crazy like me. Its genetic. And they sometimes see how I act. I am a good mother, but sometimes I cannot avoid the fact that when I'm on the war path, they are in their room. They can hear me. And I know I scare them. They look at me with these huge eyes. Wide with fear. That's so sad. Because right then, I don't even care about that.

I think that life is a bit more normal when I am working. Right now, I am laid off, waiting for a call back from my job telling me that I can start work. :/ Going back to work is bittersweet as I really enjoy the company of the people who work with me, but my boss sometimes just gets under my skin. And being pregnant with all these hormones surging through my body, I don't know if I will be able to keep my mouth shut when she is acting annoying. Which is 99.9% of the time. Terrible thing is that she knows how terrible she is and admitted it to me during our interview. I should have heeded that warning and stayed away.

I have actually been contemplating getting a new job. I should have been looking all winter but I didn't. There is still time. I am due in August. I have 29 weeks or less of work left in me this season. I wish they'd just call me.

Sorry, this entry was more like a journal. Maybe ill write again later

Peace and Love


Crystal Robinson

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®

Madness

Have you ever been so mad that you feel intoxicated or high? That you see red or black out? This happens to me more often than I would like it to. The most trivial things set me off too. Its a constant and daily battle to stop it from happening. I fight the rage and sometimes the rage wins. Today, the rage won.

How do I stop from throwing things and breaking things? How do I stop punching him and kicking him? How do I not hurt him physically when I feel the swell of violence surge through my body? At that time this makes perfect sense. This violence is the perfect solution to every problem I face then. He doesn't deserve me. He doesn't deserve the time. He doesn't deserve the space and I don't want him near me. All because he doesn't know where my cell phone charger is? So I pick up everything heavy and heave it in his direction. And he tries to leave and I pound on his face and head. And I can't see because the tears blind me. And I hate him. And anyone who gets in my way is going to feel my wrath. I am insane. I will show my insanity because he dared to make me mad. He dared to scream back at me. This makes sense. Right then. For that moment. Because the heat fills my veins.

And then he leaves. And I want to take the past 5 minutes back. Wait, that was a half an hour? How did a half an hour pass in five minutes? Oh my God, he's gone and nothing is right and everything is upside down and I know I was wrong for shoving him. But why did he do it back? He was wrong too. That shall be my salvation you know? That's gonna save us. Because he was wrong too. Will he come back? I threw the first punch and anxiety is all I call feel right now because this time I think I lost him. Will love prevail?

I can only be insane for so long before my partner goes insane with me. And where does that leave us?

Peace and Love
Crystal Robinson

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®

What is a Friend?

Today I watched the movie "I love you, man" and in It this guy has absolutely no friends and finds one really good one and they go on all types of crazy adventures together. It made me think......what is a friend? I have had a lot of friends. Some that I was nearly inseparable with. Some that I would call my "best" but as I sit here today, I do not believe that I have a best friend anymore.

What are the requirements for a best friend? Are they there for you when you need them and vise versa? Do they always tell you what you want to hear? Or always tell you the truth? How do you keep a friend? .Where do they come from? I'm a little lost. I have a problem with keeping friends. It also happens that I have a problem with keeping family. I tend to think it is because I do not put up with any bullshit. That when you piss me off, I'm pissed and its hard to get me out of that funk, you know?

Let's walk through the different friendship scenarios that I have been through and you can form your own opinion.....

So, there is this woman that I have known since kindergarten. She has a very caring heart and loving spirit, but I have to admit she is a little stuck up. I have been with her through the death of her mother and when she broke up with her boyfriend of 8 years just a few months before they were supposed to be married. She has been there for me throughout my tumultuous life also. Not always very close but someone to vent to if I needed it. Of late, she had been especially involved in my life and the lives of my children. But, sometimes I cannot stand the fact that she is so bourgeois. Sometimes she walks around like she is better than everyone, including me. And I can't stand it. The straw that broke the camels back was when she told me I don't need to put the drama with me and my fiancé on facebook but made drama on my facebook doing so. Announcing to the world that she was going to delete me from her friends list if I didn't stop posting how I was feeling on there. Like it personally offended her to read the thoughts I would say to her in private. So, I told her to delete me and I haven't talked to her since. I mean, don't get me wrong, I miss her, but she was the type of person you wouldn't bring around other people because you were afraid she would turn her nose up to them. And I don't consider that much of a loss, you know?

.Next we have a friend that I was very close with for about 13 years. One drunk night I found out that she was a racist, calling my children, and I quote "NIGGER BASTARDS" She obviously being white got her ass kicked. I couldn't even stand the sight of her. Her name made me cringe. There was a time in my life that if someone saw me, they automatically asked me where she was. Inseparable was not even the word. I honestly felt like she was my sister. It was a great loss for me and my heart hurt so much to lose her as a friend. So, about a year later, I called her up and we rekindled our friendship. The state I found her in was less than desirable. She had been drinking entirely too much everyday. Just had 2 abortions back to back and her boyfriend was beating the shit out of her everyday. I got her out of that situation. Although sobering her up was a completely different situation. She stayed drinking and stayed acting up. One night, she embarrassed me in front of a group of friends that she didn't know and then proceeded to tell mutual friends of ours how I owed her money and I was an ungrateful friend and I'm a whore and blah blah blah. After that, I disowned her. Haven't looked back. I wouldn't be surprised if she winds up dead in a gutter somewhere. Without me, she has no positive influence in her life and is headed straight down the path to death. I feel bad for her liver.

The last person who I was very close with I met by chance one day and we hit it off right away. It was like a missing piece in my life. We completely fit together as friends. So, we had arguments and fights often but always went right back to where we left off at and to me, that was a true friend. Its hard to explain my friendship with her though because she was possessive of me. Got insanely jealous if I hung out with anyone else. After a while, after I had alienated a lot of my friends because of her, I realized that she was dissing me for other people. The same thing she didn't want me to do. After years of this going on, finally I snapped and told her I wanted nothing to do with her anymore. And I meant it for once. I haven't talked to her since. Its funny too because I've been near her quite a few times because she and my sister are close. But I just act like she's invisible. Am I a bad person because of that? I don't think so. I just don't want the drama in my life.

So, that's the three "best friends" I've had. I don't know if I was wrong to walk away but I know that not having anyone to really talk to leaves me lacking in the general area of camaraderie. And I don't know what qualities I look for in a friend, I just know that having someone there for you is better than not. I bet I am missing out on some really fun times. I just don't know if I am open to letting someone close to me again. Just to have them go away.

What do you think?

Peace and Love

Crystal Robinson

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®

Money Doesn't Buy Happiness

It is true that money doesn't buy happiness, but let me tell you, it sure would help. Not just any kind of money, though. I'm not asking to win the lottery and get a huge lump sum. I am seriously just asking for a well paying job or career.

You know what? I have been wasting away since I got out of high school. When I was a junior, I had seriously high hopes for the future. I was at the top of my class and at the top of the world. I was active in several extracurricular activities as well as in national honor society. The summer before my senior year basically changed everything. I changed my circle of friends and my long lost love returned from juvie. I had a bad boy complex and he filled every last bit of criteria for the bad boy. Not too long afterwards I got pregnant. Its not that I gave up on my dreams immediately because I did attend college for a year after high school. After I dropped out, my lust for learning went completely down and I resigned to just doing what I could to make money. I have had so many jobs since I graduated that I have lost count. And not one of them has paid enough to really support my family. Its funny too, because I have been heard saying that things would be so much easier if I only had another income to help with the bills. Not true. I struggle just as much with him here.

It is a sad day when you sit back and realize that you have given up on your dreams. I wanted to be something when I grew up. I wanted to be someone important in the community. I wanted to be a lawyer or a nurse or a teacher. Someone who made a difference in others lives. I know, though, that even though, I did not make a difference in the lives of many. I have my children, so I have made a difference in the lives of a few. And its never too late to go back to school, you know? Although it is extremely difficult with three small children and a full time job. Hmmmm.....maybe I didn't give up on my dreams, maybe I just created new ones. And if that's what I have done then I am currently living the dream.

No, money doesn't buy happiness, but love sure as hell does.

Peace and Love

Crystal Robinson

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®

Words in Motion

Pain.
Have you ever had your heart broken?
And shattered?
And stomped?
Have you ever found the tiny little pieces
And tried to put them back together?
While this giant gaping hole sits in your chest,
Burning.
Its almost as if he ripped out your lungs too
Because you find yourself unable to breathe
Did you know that it is nearly impossible to put those pieces together on your own?
That the pain may fade,
But you have to find the person with the right super glue to get the pieces to stick together
You may meet a lot of people who claim they have the right stuff
But they lie.
And walk away with pieces of your heart on the bottom of their shoes
And as they walk through life, they stomp on your heart.
Do not lose hope.
When the right one is found
He will have the super glue.....
AND he will fill your broken shattered and badly beaten heart
With that super glue and some pieces from his own heart.
And you will carry him with you where ever you go.
When you can feel him next to you when he's miles away......
When you feel so full of love you may burst.....
That's when you know,
He's the one to keep.
And there is no more pain to be had.
That right there is love.


Peace and Love


Crystal Robinson

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®

Its a New Day

As it is a new day, I am attempting to see it in a new light. My feelings have not changed. I still am sad. Although, I am trying my hardest to hold on to things that I know bring joy to me and maybe that will make me feel better. So, I've decided to share with you the day my son was born.

After unbearable amounts of pain and no pain meds, out came a little 5 pound 13 ounce baby boy. They plopped my bundle of joy on my chest and asked me his name. My reply? "Camerin" his name was to be "Camerin Lee Santiago" Lee was after my grandfather. He was the most beautiful child I had ever in my life laid eyes upon. Perfect in every conceivable way. I knew when I saw him exactly what my mother was talking about all these years. The unconditional, undying love that you have for your child. I was willing to jump off a bridge if that's what he needed to survive. Later on that night his father changed his name to "Joel Lee Robinson" and my baby boy right then really was perfect. That really was the first day of the rest of my life. He has brought me joy on a level that I never thought possible. He loves me always even when I'm mad at him. Even when I'm yelling at him. And even when I'm at my lowest point. I am so happy to have brought him into the world. Being a parent can try your patience. And my son is mostly an angel but sometimes he can get to me. If I focus on the positive, though, everything is wonderful.

After talking out some things, I think my fiancé and I have made up. Its so hard though. I don't think that I should be held accountable for when things go bad because sometimes I have no idea what is going on in my head. No idea at all. Well, that's all for now.


Peace and Love


Crystal Robinson

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®

What A Day

I am laying in bed right now. By myself. Guess that's my fault. Like I said before, I broke up with him. He pushed every button I had, though. He pushed me to it. Saying that helps me deal. I can never admit that I am awful. I have a serious character flaw, though. When I go through a manic episode, I never realize I am the wrong one until I am sitting alone in my bed and wishing he could comfort me.

In retrospect today could have been great. My children miss my parents. So do I. I love going over there for dinner. I love spending time with the people who raised me. He is right in what he says to me. I did ruin it. I have ruined us. I can't feel though. Does anyone understand that I cannot feel anything anymore? Its numb. I feel like only when he has his arms around me do I regain the feelings. But if we go days arguing, it is impossible for me to remember that feeling. Its fleeting. And I can't hold on to it unless he's holding on to me.

He wants to think. I stress him out. I kick him out. I take out my anger on him. I kick and scream and yell and throw things at him when I am angry. I can't help it. Should I take out the anger on myself again? Tiny scars are all that's left from when I used to do that. Tiny scars to remind me of the pain I felt when I had no one to yell at. I have everything anyone could ever wish for. And I am throwing it away because I can't cope with everyday life. The pregnancy hormones do not help in the least. I am off my meds. I am off my rocker. Haha. Sad but true.

I am getting tired. And I think that I am going to spend another night alone in this bed because I am a fool. If he comes back, I have to work on me. Because what I am doing isn't getting me anywhere but an all inclusive stay at the heartbreak hotel.

Peace and love
Goodnight
Until tomorrow......


Crystal Robinson

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®

The Entire Day is Ruined

It seems like everyone in my life is just waiting for me to screw things up again. And sometimes, I think to myself......"Why disappoint them?" I know how much of a cliche this is but everything I touch turns to shit. Sometimes I sit and stare at my children who are so smart and wonderful, so happy and healthy, and I wonder am I ruining their lives too? Am I making their lives as much of a hell as my life currently feels? Why can't I just be happy? I do not know how to be content. And when I'm depressed. When. I feel like this......its almost as if I never was happy before in my life. Like I can't remember ever being happy. And its pain. It hurts so much. Its unbelievable, insurmountable sorrow. The kind that leaves you without hope, cradling yourself in the corner in the dark as you rock back and forth.

Today, I was supposed to go to dinner at my parents house. My father has cancer. The kind of cancer you don't come back from. The doctors are giving him about a year to live. We really should spend more time with him as his time in this world may be limited. Yet, I found myself in this perpetual argument with my fiancé. I feel like everything that I do is wrong. He has not one good thing to say to me today. So, I broke up with him. We have been together for a year and 2 months and have broken up about 55 times. Seriously. I don't know if there is any coming back from this one though. (Although, I have felt this way before, so don't quote me on this.) He sometimes makes me feel inadequate. Like, nothing that comes out my mouth is the right thing to say. Like every single decision, I feel like he scrutinizes my every thought, word and move and when I hold it in, he says I am depressed.

You know how I know I'm crazy? Because the majority of the time, I feel like the whole world is against me. I feel like everyone else is crazy and I am sane. Being a very intelligent individual, I know that statistically and logically it is very improbable that my feelings are true. Therefore and in conclusion I'm crazy as a loon. The people who surround me acknowledge the crazy. Some deal with it quite well, others not so much. My parents just know its best to stay in the background while I rant and rave and bitch. My fiancé wants to be in my face. He wants to ask questions and know answers and be in my head. AND I HATE THAT SHIT. It could quite possibly be the most annoying thing that he does. Why argue with a self and medically proclaimed crazy person? Do you actually think you are going to get through to me when MDs and PhDs couldn't? When every medication out there couldn't? That's insane. If he believes that then he's just about as crazy as I am.

Well, the point of this all is, I didn't go to my parents house for dinner. I missed my opportunity this week to see my dad. And I feel like I don't have a friend in the world who understands me. Its a lonely feeling, you know? I feel like no matter what, no one will ever truly get me. I wish I was normal sometimes. But, I have no idea how to start being normal, so I don't think that will ever happen.

Peace and Love

Crystal Robinson

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®

Number One

Maybe you should get to know a little about me and why I am blogging my personal thoughts to the world before you start reading. My name is Crystal Robinson. I have two children and I'm pregnant with my third. I am engaged to a wonderful man and we are getting married in less than two months. So, basically, I should be happy as a lark. (Whatever that means) In reality my mind is a sick, twisted organ. My thoughts are often macabre. I am often depressed and anxious despite my best efforts at happiness. (And despite my fiancés best efforts to make me happy)

More recently I have been using facebook to vent out my problems, but apparently that is inappropriate on a number of levels. I have 369 friends on facebook. And that's about how many people that reside in the small town I'm from. So, inevitably, the whole town knows my deep personal feelings towards friends and loved ones. That is why I am starting this blog. Basically, it is open to the public and whoever wants to read it, but I am confident that only my closest friends and family will take the time out to read it. And I could possibly get some honest opinions towards my innermost thoughts and fears. Also, I have always found writing to be extremely soothing.

So, if you are reading this, please feel free to leave comments. I would love your honest opinion. And I give many thanks to you for taking time out your day to share my day with me. I will try to post at least once a day, if not more. I am sure that you will find my thoughts disturbing and funny on a level you never thought you could find funny at. I am opening up my mind to you. Enter at your own will.


Peace and love.

Crystal
Crystal Robinson

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from Crystals BlackBerry®