Madness

Have you ever been so mad that you feel intoxicated or high? That you see red or black out? This happens to me more often than I would like it to. The most trivial things set me off too. Its a constant and daily battle to stop it from happening. I fight the rage and sometimes the rage wins. Today, the rage won.

How do I stop from throwing things and breaking things? How do I stop punching him and kicking him? How do I not hurt him physically when I feel the swell of violence surge through my body? At that time this makes perfect sense. This violence is the perfect solution to every problem I face then. He doesn't deserve me. He doesn't deserve the time. He doesn't deserve the space and I don't want him near me. All because he doesn't know where my cell phone charger is? So I pick up everything heavy and heave it in his direction. And he tries to leave and I pound on his face and head. And I can't see because the tears blind me. And I hate him. And anyone who gets in my way is going to feel my wrath. I am insane. I will show my insanity because he dared to make me mad. He dared to scream back at me. This makes sense. Right then. For that moment. Because the heat fills my veins.

And then he leaves. And I want to take the past 5 minutes back. Wait, that was a half an hour? How did a half an hour pass in five minutes? Oh my God, he's gone and nothing is right and everything is upside down and I know I was wrong for shoving him. But why did he do it back? He was wrong too. That shall be my salvation you know? That's gonna save us. Because he was wrong too. Will he come back? I threw the first punch and anxiety is all I call feel right now because this time I think I lost him. Will love prevail?

I can only be insane for so long before my partner goes insane with me. And where does that leave us?

Peace and Love
Crystal Robinson

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