What A Day

I am laying in bed right now. By myself. Guess that's my fault. Like I said before, I broke up with him. He pushed every button I had, though. He pushed me to it. Saying that helps me deal. I can never admit that I am awful. I have a serious character flaw, though. When I go through a manic episode, I never realize I am the wrong one until I am sitting alone in my bed and wishing he could comfort me.

In retrospect today could have been great. My children miss my parents. So do I. I love going over there for dinner. I love spending time with the people who raised me. He is right in what he says to me. I did ruin it. I have ruined us. I can't feel though. Does anyone understand that I cannot feel anything anymore? Its numb. I feel like only when he has his arms around me do I regain the feelings. But if we go days arguing, it is impossible for me to remember that feeling. Its fleeting. And I can't hold on to it unless he's holding on to me.

He wants to think. I stress him out. I kick him out. I take out my anger on him. I kick and scream and yell and throw things at him when I am angry. I can't help it. Should I take out the anger on myself again? Tiny scars are all that's left from when I used to do that. Tiny scars to remind me of the pain I felt when I had no one to yell at. I have everything anyone could ever wish for. And I am throwing it away because I can't cope with everyday life. The pregnancy hormones do not help in the least. I am off my meds. I am off my rocker. Haha. Sad but true.

I am getting tired. And I think that I am going to spend another night alone in this bed because I am a fool. If he comes back, I have to work on me. Because what I am doing isn't getting me anywhere but an all inclusive stay at the heartbreak hotel.

Peace and love
Goodnight
Until tomorrow......


Crystal Robinson

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